bruising the heavens

I remember a day in the life when the water & thoughts of failure gave me strife. That year, I shouted to the heavens & called it various names, but it just stared down at me in that familiar silence, the silence it knew I despised – the one that almost ran me mad. I remember I threw stones as far as my arm could go towards the heavens, I emphasised my carbon print, I called & cursed. I wanted it to feel & see what it was like over here. I wanted to bruise the heavens.

Still, silence. 

I remember the extreme decision I made out of frustration, the decision to shed & mar my being until all of it was gone. Until I got a reaction.
I wanted to look & feel diseased so I picked at the hairs on my skin until red patches appeared like a plague. I plucked one of my eyes out & buried it in the earth, cut my fingernails so close to the cuticle until I bled. The moon stared down at me pitifully as I scraped my back on sharp wood. The stars tried to intercede on my behalf but my patience had run thin. I punctured my navel with a rusty nail and scrawled uneven lines from my neck down to my feet to create a monstrosity. Best believe I did.

But in all of this, I muttered quiet prayers for redemption. I thought anger could make a difference but it only caused directions to nowhere. I screamed & wrapped my arms around the parts of my body that could get protection.

Until I passed this mirror. 

My reflection was nothing like the Frankenstein i thought I had become. The pain was in my head, the things I saw were images my wild mind formed out of the will to suffer. By scarring myself, I scarred my source instead. My creator. I bruised the heavens.

That is why, till this day, I am still muttering quiet prayers for redemption.

thank you for reading 🌹